Call Centre Helper Poetry Competition – The Results

Thanks to who stepped up to the challenge  and really did get their creative juices flowing.

We had a fantastic response with many, many witty poems and limericks hitting our screens.  A total of 13 poems and 63 limericks were submitted.

We have listed all of the entries below together with the winning limerick and poem….

The standard was exceptionally high and it was very hard to chose an overall winner.  It all goes to show the real calibre of people working in this industry.

Winning Poem

I’ll Call You Back

This workplace is fun,
This work place is loud,
Everywhere you go,
You hear a different sound.

Thanks,
Please hold,
I’ll call you back,
I’m afraid that’s sold.

No two days are the same,
You have your ups and downs,
You never know what’s coming next,
It’s often processing pounds.

You could be having a really bad day,
Nothing is going right,
But it only takes a brilliant call,
To make you see the light.

To summarise my work,
To my secret I will let you enter,
The only place I would like to work,
Is this award winning call centre.

By Kayleigh Wright

Highly Commended

Working in a call centre, you take lots of calls.
Some are good, some break your balls!

Some callers are polite,
and some try with all their might,
but we know the customer isn’t always right!

But if we stay calm,
callers will come to no harm
and be happy if we put on the charm!

And though they may get their own way
at the end of the call, remember to say
Thank you for calling, have a nice day!

By Lindsay Cameron

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Life in a call centre oh what does it mean?
It’s all open space with no walls in between
Open door policy and suggestions boxes
Don’t you just love when you get unexpected visits from the bosses

Life in a call centre oh what does it mean?
Very busy telephone lines, little breaks in between
Lots of talking and chatting, lots of help and advice
Oh life in a call centre isn’t it nice 🙂

By Poppy

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A day at work

Monday Morning it begins again.
The weekly cycle of calls, complaints and polar issues
Any hopes of the sun shining are naturally, in vain.
The depressing weather makes me want to reach for the tissues.

I enter the office and sit on my chair
The drinks machine has a queue, I have time to choose.
But I’m a patient man so I don’t care.
I need to cut down on tea anyway! And the booze!

I log in to my computer and my phone
Its very warm so I stick my fan to high.
I can overhear my colleague having a moan.
What’s her problem? My oh my!

I don’t see what the fuss is all about
My first call goes rather well.
The passenger does not even shout
She booked and it wasn’t a hard sell.

Then again she was a loyal pax
Not one of the newcomers calling
But either way my attitude can’t be lax
Or we will see our booking figures falling.

The morning goes by a quite a pace
I keep to myself and people think I’m a mardy arse
Some days I really don’t mind this place.
But on others my good moods are rather sparse.

I deal with tickets, shore ex and onboard money
The passengers and agents usually in a good mood.
When I answer my calls I try to be chatty and funny.
And I pay attention even though I’m thinking about food.

As lunch approaches, it is on mind as I watch the time.
Should I have a subway or penne pasta down the jester?
Hmmmm meatball marinara would do just fine.
Now I’ve eaten I could do with a siesta!

As the afternoon rolls on the phone doesn’t stop ringing
Agents asking silly questions and demanding free stuff
Sometimes they are entitled and they leave singing
But others times they are not so lucky, so tough!

More and more calls as the queue gets long
resplanning are on my case but I have to help Mrs. Carter.
She has issues with her fare and thinks we are wrong.
But I work it out and correct her fare so now she thinks I’m a martyr.

All in all a pretty good day but I’m glad its time for home
I will be back tomorrow ready and raring
Maybe I’ll even give my hair a comb.
That would be quite daring!

By Alex Wade

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A day in the life of a call centre

Working at a call centre
not everyone’s cup of tea
some do not like the pressure
yet the job appealed to me

I started here 2001
For BT and Vodafone
Six years now I’ve been here
I have no cause to moan

You help all types of people
A varied stock of folk
From upper class gentles
To your ordinary bloke

Here to help them are we
North, East, or West or South
To answer all their queries
Not give as load of mouth

Okay you get the odd one
You’d like to cut off quite slickly
But if you work hard at your job
you’ll sort them out quite

You have a team behind you
Without a shadow of a doubt
They are ready to assist you
You only have to shout

TL’s, AOM,’s
All there to stop your fall
If you get into trouble
They’ll take over on your call

HR, also recruitment,
also play their part
HR for when you get here
Recruitment before you start

The most popular department
We love it body and soul
We bless it every month
We love the girls of our Payroll

I’ve seen some weird stuff
a guy preparing lunch,
from his bag, he took a loaf
Butter, fill it start to munch

I saw him take his headset off
Don’t read ahead you’ll spoil it.
‘Still there?’ he said when he got back
‘I’ve just been to the toilet’

A bored clerk answered ‘Pizza hut`
Then he’d cut the call’
He did not last much time
They marched him down the hall

Another used to fall asleep
Half way through a call
He’d pile some Zeees up snort awake
and then back to sleep he’d fall

He confused a lot customers
Who thought he’d half a brain
Also the current TL
Who to the customer would explain

He claimed Narcolepsy
And to the doctors he would hurry
NO! he had a job till 3.00 am
Delivering rice and curry.

You have your laughs when working here
We help each other through it
And nowhere else I’ve worked before
Is comp’rable to Conduit

By Neil Davies

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Other entries:

I have lots of thoughts
Rushing around inside my head
If i was to empty it
What would land on the table would be
Numbers
Letters
Pictures
And maybe even some fully formed words and sentences
Once they are on the table
I would piece them together like a jigsaw
Finding my real feelings on matters that i didn’t know i even had feelings about
What i am trying to do here is help myself finish this jigsaw while its still in my head
I’m going to start with the corners

By Peter Lloyd

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Short on curlies

I used to have a curly lead
When I worked out on the floor
For Conduit in Cardiff
In Balmy days of yore

I turned my back quite suddenly
And t’was just as I’d feared
Once again my curly lead
Had gone away, just disappeared

I don’t know where they go to
What for, or when, or why
But I cannot keep my curlies safe
No matter how I try

It’s not as though they’re valuable
Aesthetic work of art
Nor even are they edible
A curlies pie won’t start

Is there a kinky fetish that I know
Nowt about involving
Curly wires I cry !
this my friend, I doubt

Now the question I keep asking
That shakes me to the core
Is why do you keep taking them?
What the !*%! D’you want them for?

Theyre no dashed good to any one
Out side the call centre life
You cannot wrap them up in silk
And give them to your wife

So do you wrap them in a ball
Or caress them in wiry porn
Please do me one big favour
JUST LEAVE THEM IN THE PHONE!!!!

By Neil Davies

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Someone intercepted a call i made
and connected me to heaven,
i negotiated celestial trade
from a call centre in leven.

The next day i called again,
but couldn’t get through,
my colleagues doubted i was sane,
when a celestial messenger
called out of the blue,
he spoke to all the staff at once
in an echoing heavenly cadence.

By Barry

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Call Handling – An Ode to Training

Waiting for calls how very scary waiting for calls.. ..I’m sitting in ready
Waiting for calls The public ask “serve us” Waiting for calls I’m really quite nervous
Waiting for calls the first is the worst… …Had my first call My head’s gonna burst
Call number two It was really quite hard Call number two used yellow card !
Waiting for calls I want to do more waiting for calls I WANT TO DO MORE
Call number three that was a success CA1 admissions I’m making progress
Handling calls – This isn’t so bad Handling calls The phone lines go mad
Many more calls my call quality flowing
Thanks to the Trainers and the way they’ve been showing
Handling calls… …an accredited advisor The more calls I handle the more I get wiser
So a big thank you Trainers and Management too I couldn’t have done it not without you.

By Natalie Vaughan

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Let me give you an insight
into call centre life
It’s not always plain sailing
we have our share of trouble and strife

Our day begins not knowing
if it’s going to be slow or manic
as the wall boards show calls queuing
we try not to panic!

We are experienced and professional
but sometimes I doubt
Our QE2 guests
knew that ship inside out!

My system – work with me
When I request information – don’t hide!
sometimes I wonder
are you on my side?

What are we thinking
when we get that bleep in our ear?
Is the customer going to he happy or grumpy?
Sometimes it’s the latter I fear!

And how do we deal with our customers?
with a laugh and a smile!
Our aim on every call
is to go that extra mile.

Our mission is to sell
and to get that booking!
Imagine our frustration
only to be told – I’m just looking!

Again we’ve been busy
as we near the end of the day
Call centre life is great
and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

By Paula Cooper

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LOVE YOUR HEADSET

Love your headset, keep it safe
Each and every day
When you leave your pod at night
Take it far away
Don’t leave it on your leader’s desk
Or hidden on a pod
Or on your next month’s pay slip
A strange looking entry. ODD
You’re almost sixty smackers short
In this month’s pack of pay,
So save us all the hassle.
Just lock the thing away

—

The pod from hell

Here’s the story sad to tell.
It’s all about a pod from hell
I entered one morning all carefree
And quite a sight appeared to me

Macdonalds wrappers by the score
Five empty Coke tins, whoops! four more
Last week’s Heat and Tuesday’s Sun
Enough stale breadcrumbs to make a bun

Four old apple cores and a pear
Chewing gum on every chair
Sweet wrappers under evryone’s seat
And three whole slices of rancid meat

And what’s that sticking to the chair
Oh my God I think it’s hair
It made my stomach feel all whirly
Its someone else’s, short and curly

Please take pride don’t follow suit
Or no more staff we can recruit
They’ll take a look at where we work and
Run off screaming, quite berserk

So clean your areas every day
Make sure it sparkles as they say
Don’t leave your pod with loads of mess in
Let’s all make a good impression

—

I saw Justin wiring a pod on Thursday
He had the top off, it was a danger to see
Papers all over the sockets sadly
A danger to all it seems clear to me.
SO
If you don’t want to set your pod on fire
Remember my friend, these thing not to do
Don’ t drop your waste right onto the wires
that power your pod is a danger to you.
Take all your rubbish and throw it away
Timely advice, so please heed it I pray
Don’t leave it fall through the pod slats
Or there heating up it is going to stay
You don’t need to set your pod on fire
It’s warm enough to fry us all see
If you ignite there’ll be a funeral pyre
CSR’s all roast at 2000 degrees!

Ny Neil Davies

Winning Limerick

There was a call centre agent from Slough
Who was really a bit of a cow,
When customers called HER
She’d mutter and slur
And they’d end up having a row

A much better agent from Slough
Took care of her customers, and how
She said, “When you call me,
Just you wait and see
You’ll hang up and shout out ‘oh WOW’

So if you’re an agent from Slough
Or anywhere else I’d vow
Don’t pause or be nervous,
Just give top class service.
At awards night, you’ll take the bow!!

By David Brown

Highly Commended

There was a call centre agent from Soton,
who drank a magic potion,
the following day,
they tippled his pay,
and gave him a huge promotion.

By Marc Bellows

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There was a call centre agent from So’ton
Who always took calls with his coat on
His reason for this
Was secret because
Cold calling was banned at his station

By Gary Thorn

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There was a call centre agent from Surrey
Whose Team Leader kept telling him to hurry
‘There are calls in the queue…
You know what to do…
When you’re done we can go for a curry!”

By Brad Parker

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There was a Call Centre Agent from Stoke
Whose telephone persona was a bloke
She’d speak very slow
And exceedingly low
Trying her best not to choke

By Anita M

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Other entries:

There was a call center agent from Dublin
whose supervisor found her behavior troublin’.
When the phone would ring,
she’d get up and sing.
And from her accent you’d swear she’s from Brooklyn.

By Mike Gospe

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There was a call agent from Cardiff Gate
who loved his job just couldn’t wait
he’d man his phone
and all alone
hit all his targets. now that’s just great!

There was a call agent from Cardiff Gate
who approached his job with bile and hate
he’d cut his call
morale would fall
If next to this man you’d locate

There was a call agent from Ireland
whose career he had already planned
he started way down
but he liked it and found
twas here he would settle and stand

There was a call agent from heaven
who joined us an angel, at seven
o’clock it occurred
they passed down the word
she was really a slapper from Devon

There was as call agent from China
who when twisting could see right behind her
a curious trick
could make you feel sick
coming or going you never could find her

There was a call agent from Cardiff
Who asked me would it be bad if
I started to cry
when the customers try
to say that I sound like a mastiff

By Neil Davies

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There was a call center agent from Eiling
Who always spoke loudly with great feeling
Other agents complained
But management abstained
Because his numbers went right through the ceiling

By John Barth

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There was a call centre agent from nam
Who was constantly just selling spam
With no meat on his plate
He was tempted to fate
Just broccoli, potatoes no ham.

By David Wheeler

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There was a call agent approached Condu I.T
applied for a job he misread us you see
It’s not software we write
but perhaps you just might
take some Vodafone calls on floor three
There was a call agent in Hodge

There was a call agent from Hodge
Whose calls he always would dodge
He’d say Pizza Hut
your order please Butt
As complaints the clients would lodge

There was a call agent from Hodge House
Who had all the charm of a dead louse
He’ sit at the pod
And talk really odd
We think he is really a scouse.

There was a call agent from Cardiff Gate
Who came to an untimely fate
Whilst on a call
He risked it all
By asking all females for a date

There was a call agent from Cardiff Gate
Who put on quite a lot of weight
Whilst on the phones
He gained ten stones
And is now in a blubbery state

By Neil Davies

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There’s a Call Centre Agent from Argyll,
Who left me on ‘hold’ quite a while,
But she sorted my plight, and so after my flight
I voyaged with Cunard in style.

There’s a Call Centre Agent from Neath
Who has problematic false teeth,
They often fly out, and ‘boy’ does she shout,
They’ve heard her from Lands End to Leith

By Nigel Harriskine-Cook

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There was a call centre agent from Derry
Who went to work feeling Merry
When he spoke on the phone
All the guests did was moan
Now he’s a guest on TV with Jerry !!

By Anthony mallinson

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There was a call centre agent from Kent
Whose headset was horribly bent
when the agent she spoke, it sounded like a sick joke
which wasn’t nice for our elderly gents!

By Sarah Savage

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The was a call centre from P&O Cruises
who was always covered in bruises.
His phone was so busy
it made his head dizzy
and he had to make his excuses!

By Lindsay Cameron

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There was a Call Centre Agent from Rhyll
Whose days were quite run of the mill
She’d talk on the phone
Till the cows came home
But her up-sell performance was nil!

—

There was a Call Centre Agent from Old Basing
Whose job was to sell double glazing
He dialled from 8 to 9
Which was my dinner time
My answer could need some re-phrasing!

—

There was a Call Centre Agent from Wasing
Who called me about double glazing
He was very persistent
Despite the fact I was insistent
That the view from my caravan was already amazing

By Anita M

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There was a call centre agent from Travelcare,
She was so frazzled she was pulling out her hair.
I tried to calm her and make her see,
That what she was trying to do is actually quite easy.
I helped her through the process,
Until she was happy that the booking was a success.
She is no longer reduced to anxiety and stress,
Because she is now an expert on CCS.

By Simone Whitson

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Shakespeare and the call centre agent by Anthony Collins!

There once was a call centre agent, who hailed from Stratford upon Avon
Their communication skills, gave customers no thrills; a call of many terrors, a right comedy of errors
No features and benefits nor asking for the sale
No emotive language like in a Shakespeare’s tale
No questioning techniques nor trofs nor peaks!
No going the extra mile in this Shakespeare’s tale
Alas, poor customer, not all call centre agents need a ‘taming of the shrew’
Some, i promise, really do have a clue!
Some are strong like Julius Caeser and King Lear
They’ll never fail to make that sale,
Not now, not ever, not in this Shakespeare’s tale.

By Anthony Collins

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The was a call centre agent from P&O Cruises
who was always covered in bruises.
His phone was so busy
it made his head dizzy
and he had to make his excuses!

There was a call centre agent from Ocean Village
He had a respectable image
He was obsessed with the sea
and carried a bowl of water with him so that he
was often the cause of a spillage!

There was a call centre agent from Cunard
who worked extremely hard
He worked his fingers to the bone
answering the phone
’til he changed his job to work in the dockyard

There was a call centre agent from Princess
who suffered from terrible baldness
His colleagues slapped him on the head
until he was dead
… they didn’t show much niceness!

There was another call centre agent from Princess
who sold cruises that were simply priceless
They had stewards and captains
excursions and cabins
And even a pretty waitress!

There was a call centre agent from Seabourn
Who woke up at the crack of dawn
He raced to work
as he didn’t like to shirk
and wanted to sell the new Sojourn!

By Lindsay Cameron

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There was a lady from Swift
who called during my Saturday shift
She was unhappy about Queen Victoria’s naming
I wasn’t sure for what she was aiming
but she told me that ‘the queen was miffed’.

There was a travel agent very smart
who did bookings for Cunard
She knew every promo
Every gangway, every no-no
But wanted to know where in London a transatlantic would start.

There was a lady who phoned on behalf of her daughter
and with all her questions she was ready to slaughter
She demanded to know
while ordering a bottle of bordeaux
If an outside cabin would be under water?

By Kirsty Van Lieshout

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There was a call centre agent from Leeds
Who did his best, to convert, his leads,
When the sales dried up…
…and his confidence shook,
He endeavoured to fulfil other needs!

By Dale Shephard

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There was a call agent from Cardiff Gate
who loved his job just couldn’t wait
he’d man his phone
and all alone
hit all his targets. now that’s just great!

The was a call agent from Abertawe
who looked a lot like David Bowi e
he had a part-time job
from the river he’d lob
poached salmon from the river Towy

There was a call agent Setanta
who at her staf would rant her way
at her staff
for havin a laff
and engaging in dry witty banter

There was a call agent from Vodafone
who spoke in a very low monotone
your much to quiet
you’ll have to try it
Through a great big megaphone

There was a call agent from Swansea town
who never let his colleagues down
On time for work
he’d never shirk
On slackers in situ he’d frown

There was a call agent from Swansea
Who truthfully between you and me
Talked such utter rot
He got sacked on the spot
For swearing at Customers grandiosly

By Neil Davies

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There was a call centre agent from Limerick
Who thought competitions were a gimmick
He worked out his time
Completing a rhyme
And hopes success will lead to a – hic!

By Jonathan Wax

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There was a Call Centre Agent from Mauritius,
Upon starting his job he was inspired and ambitious,
After a year in the role
It had sucked out his soul
As he found the job so repetitious!

—

So the Agent moved to Bangalore
Where he found job opportunities galore
He got a job in MI
And always asked, why?
He had not considered this move before!

By Roslyn Ingham

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There was a call agent from Mumbles
near Swansea, whose calls he just grumbles
The facts he imparts
As he stutters and starts
To pronounce names, he can’t help it he fumbles

There was a call agent from Splott
Near Cardiff one day felt quite hot
He stripped to the bone
While answering phone
Calls, and sweating a beautiful sight. NOT!!

The was a call agent from Abertawe
who looked a lot like David Bowie
But only when
again and again
he’d been dragged twice through the Towy

There was a call agent from Dublin
who always was in trouble in
fact we thought
that he got caught
selling headsets and prices was doubling

There was a call agent from Wales
Who was super at call centre tales
he’d tell us tall stories
of arrogant bores he’s
had calls from sold SKY to ,and made Sales

There was a call agent from hell
at first we just could not tell
but the havoc he’ll wreak’ll
with brimstone and treacle
give him away plus also the smell.

There was a call agent who died
on a call one day we espied
they kept him on line
they said he was fine
to deal with complaints calls they despised

There was a call agent from Spain
he answered the phone now n’again
he said down the line
don’t ask me cos I’m
just sitting here going insane

—

There was a call agent from above
Who worked at his job, full of love
with calm and respect
wrong numbers correct
not tell them their handsets to shove.

There was a call agent from Cardiff Gate
he’d cut his call
morale would fall
If next to this man you’d locate

There was a call agent from Vodafone
who spoke in a very low monotone
your much to quiet
you’ll have to try it
Through a great big megaphone

There was a call agent from Sky
no matter how hard he could try
to take many calls
in the Ivory halls
Of the Number in Cardiff they say

There was a call agent Nann Tucket
with a grin you can chuck it
away with a grin
if you think I’d put in
a poem that ended with *!%!! it

By Neil Davies

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